Men need other men or I should say males need other men to help fashion them into men. Masculinity is something that must be earned and initiated into. It’s not just a physical thing, just because a male hits puberty or finishes it does not automatically make him a man. There are males who die still males and never become men. And this isn’t because they were never great heroes or anything like that, it’s because masculinity is not just a physical process, though it is that, it’s also a mental and spiritual process as well.
There is something in the mind and especially soul of a man that a male does not possess. A certain something that was earned through hardship, suffering, and pain. Three things that are essential for masculinity to develop. And without them masculinity fails to develop. Like a flower seed that doesn’t get any sunlight or water. It has the potential to become a flower but it never will because it’s not getting what it needs. We see this a lot on our modern culture. Males that never become men and all of the wreckage that comes along with that.
What most call “toxic masculinity” is actually a lack of true masculinity, even when it’s not being used as a politically charged word. There are very few men in Western society, most are boys. Even if they’re 6’4 220 lbs of muscle and can bench press a small car. They can still remain boys on the inside. Which brings me to a memory from my childhood that helps explain this. Helps explain why masculinity is so lacking and what is to be done about in our modern culture.
The Most Annoying Gift Ever Given
So aside from those toys that make a lot of noise what I’m about to talk about has to be one of the most annoying gifts that it’s possible to give. But first some context. I had grandparents that lived out on a farm that had a creek running through it. And as kids something we’d like to do when we were over there was go through the creek and looked for arrow heads, fossils, and whatever else we could find. Through the process we collected plenty of rocks. Not sure why, just thought they were cool.
Anyways we ended up with a pretty big rock collection so my grandparents on year for Christmas got us kids a rock tumbler, of course to take home to our parent’s and not keep at the farm. So we did and we took our rocks with us. The first thing we did was plug it in by the kitchen and were shocked that it’d take a day if not days before the thing was done. We figured we’d pop it in and out would pop polished rocks. The concept of things taking a long time doesn’t sit well with kids and all. Anyways we started then stopped because of the racket it made so we had to set it up in the basement.
So we set it up and let it do its thing. My memory isn’t one hundred percent but I know the rocks were different shapes and types. Some had some rough edges to them, others had dirt and other things “calcified” into them, or whatever the right word is, and plenty of other defects and deformities. Plus they were dull as can be. But anyways after those things tumbling around there together for however many days the thing said to do, felt like a year as a kid, out popped some of the prettiest rocks I’d ever seen. I was convinced someone had put the shiny rocks in there and thrown my old ones out. That’s how big of a difference it was. But what does this have to do with masculinity?
The Rock Tumbler Of Masculinity
I’ve seen this happen in a few different contexts. Males who are not very comfortable with their masculinity and haven’t developed a lot of it. They come into a place, another group of men, maybe it’s a friend group, maybe it’s bootcamp, maybe it’s a gym, or some other group. And overtime their rough edges are worn down and if they last they “polish” themselves into much more masculine versions of themselves then they were before. When I was young I remember a boy who started hanging out with us who didn’t have a dad and only female friends who weren’t interested in him.
He was struggling in a lot of ways and I remember when he first joined the group a lot of us were rough with him. Being young at times it might have been mean but it was never cruel. Just pushed him and called him out on stuff the ways boy naturally do. He ended up being a completely different kids after a year of hanging out with us. Most confident and sure of himself, relating to women in the right way, actually had girlfriends, wasn’t such a pushover, and overall just more of a man. This wasn’t because we were special as a group it’s just how men and masculinity work.
For even greater changes look at something like bootcamp. It’s the best modern version I can think of for a sort of “initiation” for men. Toughens them up through hardship which forges masculinity. Even in the fighting gyms that I’ve been apart of I’ve seen this transformation take place. The rocks (men and males) all tumble around together making each other greater and more, developing each other. This is essential for men, and males, and lack of this is one of the reasons we have many of the problems we do.
Find Your Rock Tumbler
If you’re a male that struggles with this or just a man who wants to keep his edge then make sure to find your rock tumbler. If they don’t submit you to any adversity or conflict or get you to push yourself then it doesn’t work. Then you’ll all remain dull and formless together. There should be standards, preferably high ones, and they should be enforced. This could be a peer group, a official organization like the military, or even something like going down to your local boxing club. Just find your rock tumbler because it’s one of the most important things you can do as a man or a male on his way to become one.
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-Charles Sledge
