Niceness is something that a lot of males struggle with, especially in the modern world. By niceness I don’t mean kindness, good-heartedness, or general agreeableness. Rather by niceness I mean softness, I mean pliability, I mean being nice at the expense of your self-respect and dignity. Nice in this case being a derogatory term, even if it’s not commonly thought of that way. Now I won’t go into all the various causes of niceness as they’re too many to list. The way society is organized, modern thoughts about men and masculinity, overmothing, and a whole host of other factors go into it.
What I am going to do is address what to do if you are too nice or if you’ve been told that you’re “too nice”. First off have a correct understanding of what this means. When someone’s say you’re too nice or you feel you’re too nice (and you actually are) you are having a flaw pointed out or pointing one out yourself. This is not a complement and it’s not a good thing. Sort of like being told that you need to lose weight or figuring it out yourself. Doesn’t mean the person telling you was being hurtful, they could love you and have your best interest at heart. But have the right understanding of what’s going on.
Niceness is a problem, sometimes a big problem, sometimes a little problem, but always a problem. At least niceness in the way we’re defining it here. And hey it happens to all of us, I was once “too nice” as a great many men I respect have had this same problem in their life. So let’s look at ways that we’re going to address being too nice and how to overcome it. But first I think it’s important that I point out what not to do, if only because I see it so often with guys who are nice.
What NOT To Do If You’re Too Nice
Okay so the first advice that most nice guys are given is to be an asshole. Now granted how this is meant/interpreted this can actually be halfway decent advice. The problem is it’s usually misinterpreted. Generally what is meant by be more of an asshole is just to stand up for yourself and assert yourself more. Which actually doesn’t make you more of an asshole or generally what we think of when we think of an asshole. Therefore it’s often misinterpreted and instead the nice guy thinks he needs to be an obnoxious over the top jerk. Which doesn’t help him.
Sure he may be more successful with low self-esteem high drama women but his life won’t be any better. He’s still be insecure, he’ll still be unfulfilled, and he’ll still be suffering from the same things that plagued him with being “nice”. He’s just adopted a comedic act that’s not so comedic is all that’s changed. You see this a lot in movies and it’s often cringy, the sad thing is this happens in real life too. Guys who are obviously putting on an act or trying way too hard. This doesn’t do you any good in any facet of your life.
So the answer isn’t to go from one unhealthy insecure extreme to the other unhealthy insecure extreme. If your leg is broken the solution isn’t to also break your arm. You want to move towards healthy balance and healing. And being an “asshole” is not the way to do it. Despite what you’ve heard women don’t love assholes (though assholes who display masculine traits will be more successful dating/mating wise then nice guys who display none) or jerks or whatever. At least in the sense most nice guys think. And it doesn’t add anything to your life, masculinity, or well being by pretending to be one.
What To Do Instead If You’re Too Nice
So obviously there are thousands of things we could do to move you from being “too nice” to being more a confident and assertive man. But since space is limited I’m going to give you a overriding principle that you can apply and work from. The thing is most “nice guys” are not “selfish” enough. Now here we have another misinterpreted word. By selfish I don’t mean taking candy from babies or being a ridiculous asshole. By selfish I mean valuing yourself highly and putting yourself first. Not in an immature insecure way, but rather making sure your own needs are met before meeting the needs of others.
So selfish isn’t the exact right word here, but it’s one most understand. It means valuing yourself. So maybe that’d be a better term even though less would understand it. If you’re too nice the biggest thing is that you need to value yourself more. And the biggest way to value yourself is to make sure that your needs are being met and working to meet those needs. Invest in yourself, in your body, in your mind, and in your spirit. Do something for yourself. Maybe your parents/religion/society says its bad, they’re wrong. It’s not bad, it psychologically, spiritually, and physically healthy. Not only is it good for you but it’s good for the people around you too.
But do it for yourself and understand that there’s nothing wrong with that. There’s nothing wrong with doing something for yourself. This doesn’t make you a jerk/asshole/other undesirable thing you don’t want to be. It makes you healthy. And it’s something that you need to do if you’re going to get the most out of this life. You can still be yourself, just learn to value yourself and invest in yourself. As a side note you should always be yourself, it’d be weird to be anyone else, while also always working on yourself and improving your lot in life.
Fixing Being Too Nice
It takes time to “fix” and work past. It takes effort. If you want actionable advice here it is. Think of something you want to do, long term and short term. For example maybe you always wanted to go a certain country or purchase a certain item but have put it off because you thought it’d be selfish. Go ahead and book that trip or purchase that item, granted that you can afford it. Second find something that’ll be constant a hobby, a craft, or whatever else. And make time to do it every week. Maybe it’s work on your motorcycle, maybe it’s start rock climbing, I don’t know think of something.
So one “big” thing like a trip or large purchase and then a “smaller” thing that you’ll do every week. Granted in the long run the “smaller” thing will do more for you then the bigger thing but they’re both still important. Maybe for the big thing eat at a restaurant that you always wanted to but no one else really likes, they’ll live or do it yourself. I’d also recommend investing in yourself by keeping physically fit, reading books/taking courses to learn, and taking time to meditate/be in nature for your spirit. Take time for yourself. It’s the biggest and best first step you can take to “fixing” being too “nice”. You’ll be glad you did.
If you have any questions you would like to see answered in a future post send them to me at charlessledge001 (at) gmail (dot) com. If you found value in this post then I would encourage you to share this site with someone who may need it as well as check out my books here. I appreciate it. You can follow me on Twitter here.
-Charles Sledge
