I’m not a psychologist or an expert. This is one man’s opinion, nothing more. I’ve head it said that if there was no such things as bad fathers there would be no such thing as feminism. While I don’t think that’s a true statement I do think there is more truth to it than most would admit. While feminism has been funded by and pushed by other forces at the same time much of what it has gained has come from poor family relationships, especially between a father and a daughter. Not always of course, but it’s there.
Likewise I have often wondered if the manosphere would exist without bad mothers. Again I think it would and again I think that statement has more truth to it than one would at first admit. My point with all of this is that family ties affect us greatly and have an effect on us for life, if we do nothing about it. I know this was true for me and something I had to work and study to overcome. As it was not something I realized at first.
No family is perfect and this is not about blaming, it’s about healing and doing what needs to be done to live a healthy and productive life as best as you can. So many of the problems that we end up with come from family dynamics and mental health. Two areas that men’s self-improvement seems to completely ignore. You can’t cold shower your way out of a lifetime of unhealthiness nor can you just workout to have everything working great mentally. Though both those things are good starts and helpful.
Bad Family Dynamics
Let me start by saying I’m not talking about abuse, I don’t know enough about that to write anything about it. I’m talking about simple unhealthy family dynamics. Overbearing, controlling, and emotionally dependent mothers. Weak, passive, and futile fathers. Not getting respected, needs met, and the like. That’s what I’m talking about here and that’s what I have an opinion to express on. Like I was saying so much connects to this.
So often when we struggle with dating or career or self-esteem it has less to do with that actual thing and more to do with other things related to it. For example family dynamics and mental health. To “free” yourself from unhealthy family dynamics there are a couple things you need to understand. Also know that this article does not serve as a complete discussion on the topic in any way, shape, or form. To achieve freedom there are different types of freedom you need to understand
There is physical freedom which means a physical separation and being able to support yourself on your own, which essentially means being able to afford your own place, which becomes more and more of a challenge by the year. However this can be hard, not just because of money buying less and being worth less day to day, but also because also because you may have feelings of guilt and that you’re “abandoning” your family if you do so. We’ll address that later.
And then there’s mental freedom. Where you’re as free as you can be, or at a minimum aware, of the unhealthy patterns and ways of relating that you experienced from your family. And this is easier said than done, but the first step is becoming aware of them and the effect that they’re having on your life. So you don’t end up in the same place, among other reasons.
Resources To Become Aware & Heal
Like I said I can’t lay out everything here and could never hope too. Instead I’m going to point out some resources that I recommend everyone who comes to masculine self-improvement and even thinks for a moment that maybe it’d apply to them. I know I didn’t think these resources applied to me until reading them and understanding a whole lot of things I had kind of buried or that never really made sense to me. Realized I wasn’t crazy when it came to some memories and thoughts and so on and so forth.
Oh, and as for the physical freedom check out the wealth section of the site. That has tons of resources on making money and becoming free, though again you also have to make sure that you actually want to be free and aren’t going to self-sabotage yourself which is a whole other thing. Again don’t have time to go over all of this here. But in general check out that section for the physical freedom part. As a side note learn sales, you’ll never regret it. But time to move on.
So some resources and why I choose them.
Silently Seduced by Kenneth Adams this book is good for those that feel a parent is suffocating them and feels guilty when leaving them.
Adult Children Of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson a good general introduction one and probably one of the better places to start, covers a wide swath of different dynamics.
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward don’t know too much about this one, haven’t read it, but have been recommend it and heard others have had good results with it, seems more geared for “nastier” and meaner parents.
I think that’s a good general list to get you started. From there you’ll obviously want to explore more and learn more about it. I know the books helped me and that everyone can learn from them, at least about healthy family dynamics. We live in an age when both familial and mental health is at an all time low and I don’t think that’s a coincidence. Learn what you can and remember that knowledge has power.
