Phil Hawksworth is a fitness and dating coach who runs a blog over at PhilHawksworth.com where he writes about the topics. He also has a YouTube channel with lots of great content, you can check it out here. In this article Phil talks about dating for introverts in an extroverted world. He details how to use your introverted personality to your advantage as well as action steps to address natural weaknesses of introverts. Enjoy!
The majority of dating advice, and general life advice for that matter, is aimed at extroverts. The world is set up with an extroverted personality as the ‘ideal’.
That’s all well and good, but telling an introverted guy to go and entertain a group of 6 girls, or to speak to 15 different girls around the room to ‘build social proof’ in a bar full of drunk people is a horrible idea.
Of course, only other introverts will recognise that, while everyone else says you just need to be less shy, build your confidence, overcome approach anxiety, etc.
The truth is, you do need to do all of those things, but it is fundamental that you recognise the difference between being shy, and just being quiet and introverted.
You can be very confident, but still be quiet – that is exactly how I am today. When I was younger, I was shy, and I had to work hard to kill my shyness, to get good with women. After doing that, guess what? I’m still quiet and introverted.
I still don’t like meeting a lot of new people. I find small talk tedious and hard work. I don’t like meeting people that I’m not going to have some form of ongoing relationship with. I easily get over stimulated by loud music, bright lights, and lots of drunk people packed into a small space.
In this post I went into detail on the difference between shyness, quietness, and introversion. Read that to see what introverts need to do to get over the shyness, without fundamentally changing who you are.
Play To Your Strengths, But Fix Your Weaknesses
Most dating advice sucks for introverts because it requires doing things that are against your nature. Being centre of attention, being the fun and outgoing guy, making small talk with a lot of people, opening a tonne of girls until you find one that is in to you.
None of that is going to work for us. We can do it, but it’s tiring, not at all fun, and makes the whole process feel like work.
No, we need to play to our strengths. To recognise and use the natural gifts that we have to attract women to us, in a way that we enjoy. Acting in a way that is true to who you are, is fun, and makes you excited to go out, rather than dreading the idea of talking to a bunch of people you don’t actually want to talk to.
In short, it is ok to be introverted. There’s nothing wrong with you. We just need our own way of doing things.
That means utilising online dating, or meeting girls during the day, and at low key bars; rather than busy clubs. It means using your skills as a good listener, and the ability to quickly connect and get into deep conversations to make great impressions and have successful dates with the women you meet.
Be who you are, be unapologetically yourself. As long as you are doing everything to grow as a person, become a high(er) value man, then you will succeed.
Constantly growing and becoming high(er) value means working on your weaknesses. You should be able to engage in small talk, to open conversation with people easily, and to get yourself noticed amongst a crowd.
Even when you don’t like doing it, it is still a skillset you should possess. Just like the most likeable extroverts also know how to listen, how to build other people up, to make you feel like the centre of the world; you need to work on skills that are not necessarily your natural disposition.
Frame Is Always King
Being unapologetically yourself boils down to having the strongest frame. Being completely comfortable standing out, rather than fitting in. Pulling the women you want to attract down to your energy, and into your world.
It’s 90% about the way you live your life over the long term, and only 10% about what you’re doing in the moment. Being in great shape, well groomed, having solid posture, strong eye contact, and good fashion open all the doors in the world.
Failure in the lifestyle department means you’re never even going to get noticed. Being the attractive introverted guy means that girls will already fancy you, guys will already respect you; before you do anything.
There’s no magic thing to say, or some goofy routine that is going to make a difference. It boils down to the simple question,
“Is this a guy I want to be around?”.
The answer has been subconsciously determined from all the small social queues. How you look, carry yourself, look at them, etc.
That is where all social outcomes are determined – do you have a vibe that people want to have around?
Do you look good? Are you in shape? Are you confident?
Pass that test, and now you’re in control. Now you can draw people down into your energy. Get into deeper conversations about something you care about, instead of the painful small talk. Take the girl somewhere quiet to hang out, rather than shouting at each other on the dance floor.
It’s important to know yourself. You need to be able to manage your energy, be selective in who you engage with, and who you don’t.
It’s easy to overdo it, try to talk to too many people and quickly tire yourself out. Likewise, fighting through a crowded dance floor is probably going to tire you out.
I know that I much prefer being on the periphery of bars and clubs. Being outside, the smoking area, seating area, etc. where I can move freely and actually talk to people. Being ‘in the thick of things’ tends to overstimulate me, and I quickly get worn out.
Alcohol combats my over stimulation, and if I’m drunk I can really party, but I regret it afterwards. I know that to go out regularly, I have a much better time staying in quieter places, and selectively finding the girl I’m interested in. Only engaging in conversation with people I don’t know when I am actually interested in them.
To sum up my advice for introverted guys. First of all recognise that it is ok to be who you are, there’s nothing wrong with you. Most mainstream advice won’t fit with your personality, but that doesn’t mean you’re destined to struggle.
Know the difference between shyness, and your introverted/quiet nature. Maintain true to your personality, but kill the shyness by practising the social skills you’re not naturally good at.
Do the work to grow as a man, and become the kind of guy people want to be around. Everyone is going to subconsciously judge you on first impression, based on how you look and carry yourself. Be in shape, have good posture and a confident, positive energy, and people will naturally want to be around you.
This makes the actual act of meeting people very easy. Now you just need to know yourself, and manage your energy so that you can stay in a good mood and maintain a positive vibe.
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